Ayahuasca Shamanic Journey:
A Life Unveiled
by James Khan
This story will seem very strange and most people may find it difficult to relate to.
The story is about injesting a powerful hallucinogenic substance, non sensory perceptions, alternate realities and a personal journey through the recesses of the mind.
It happened to me in Spain on the 3rd week of September 2006.
About the Author
If you are going to follow a personal journey through another persons eyes, through the recesses of another persons mind, you need to know something about that person so that you can better relate to the experience he is describing.
In the far east, when someone asks you who you are, they are not interested in your name, your qualifications or what you do for a living. What they really want to know is who your family, your tribe or community is. Only when they can place your family in context do they feel that they know something about you!
As it forms an important part of this personal journey into my own as well as my family and genetic past, I've given a lot of details about my family and tribe in Part 2 of this story. You may consider the notion of "tribes" primitive or barbaric, so this aspect will sound strange to you, but I need to mention it briefly.
I'm from an old Kashmiri family belonging to the tribe of Suddhan Sardars or Chiefs. My father was the late Sufi Ishaq Khan of the Gamal sub tribe. Gamals consider themselves of Royal lineage, as they are the descendants of the Great Sardar Gamu Khan, who was believed to have been a great tribal leader and force in the land during the period of "Aap Ragi" or Self-Rule in Kashmir several hundred years ago. On my mothers side, the lineage was no less noble: her mother and maternal relatives were pure Gamals. Her father, the great Sardar Yaar Mohammad Khan, was considered a Master of Masters in spiritual maters.
I too consider myself a Master in my own right having spent a life time in spiritual and tantric practices. For most of my life I have regularly, almost daily, practiced yogic and tibetan meditation practices for achieving self-mastery, that is establishing presence and a degree of control over ones mind and ego.
I look after my health, regularly fast and cleanse. For over 12 years I have been practicing and promote the 7 Day Cleanse Program, a 7 day water fast with supplements, water and daily colonics for a complete inner body cleanse. The program is ingenious, a life saver as it removes pounds and pounds of snake like deadly junk from the body.
I don't drink alcohol or take intoxicants of any kind, don't take chemicals of any kind either; no pharmaceutical drugs or any other drugs for that mater.
So far as possible, I eat only natural, pure, healthy mostly raw foods and water.
I am also a massage and bodywork therapist and teacher. I teach therapies such as Shiatsu, Massage, Aromatherapy, Chi Gung, Kundalini Awakening Kriyas and various dance forms intended to get you out of the mind by focusing on the body and the breath.
I studied Computing at University, and am an Honors Graduate as well as an MBA. I have worked as an IT consultant for many years, mostly on large cutting edge ERP projects all over the world.
This practical training and work has made me good at the detailed logical thought processes required by a computer programmer, logical thought processes that can then be examined carefully, tested or independently verified to be correct or not correct.
This, contrasts with internal mental thought processes that we constantly hold in our own heads.
I decided to take Ayahuasca, a substance that I was told by my friend Al (after the event!), is some 40 times more powerful hallucinogen then LSD.
A Personal Journey
What follows is a personal journey. A journey through the recesses of my mind.
It involves hidden aspects of my being, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my desires.
You will gain value from it if read it as if YOU were experiencing it through my eyes, words and perceptions - all while in the safety of your home!
What is Real?
What is Real? We know that something is real if we can touch it, hear it, feel it, smell it or otherwise experience it with our senses. That is all reality is perceived via the senses and the mind.
Can individual sensory perceptions be trusted as true and real?
If not then how do you determine reality independent of your mind, senses, ego and sensory perceptions?
What we see and feel is coloured by what we think or how we think, how we feel. Which then colours how we perceive and make sense of reality. It's a vicious circle, in which the real, or the truth is lost.
To know the truth or the real, underlying nature of the "world" around us, we first need to search our self, we need to Know Ourselves. As the Greek Philosophers urged, "Man Know Thyself" - you need to know yourself or at the least make a start in understand exactly who you are before this story will make any sense to you.
I have summarized these philosophies as the Five Fundamentals to knowing oneself.
You should read this page first so as to better share my experience, because you will be seeing from my eyes, from my perspective, based on what I know to be true. Be free to disagree with anything, but ensure that you have fully investigated why, and what your own conclusions of reality and the self are before proceeding.
The experiences described below and the actions I decided upon will only have meaning for you if you share this understanding or philosophy of knowing yourself . Read that page, and then follow the journey through the recesses of the mind, with me as your point of perception.
The next section is a preamble that explains what the Ayahuasca Plant is, how it is used, and why take it. It includes some academic studies conducted on its use. You can skip this section if it is not of interest to you.
What is Ayahuasca and Why Take It?
Ayahuasca is a brew made from the bark of a vine (Caapi) and the leaves of a plant called chakruna. It is taken by the Shamans in the Amazon jungles, a tradition that goes back to at least 10,000 years.
It is considered to be a spiritual, awakening experience.
The active substance is naturally secreted by the pineal gland, considered to be the location of the Third Eye.
An ayahuasca experience relates to such things as:
Near Death Experience
Out of Body Experiences
Other World Beings
Ancient Teachers of Humanity
Visits to Other Worlds
It is an essential part of Shamanic Culture and Religion.
I had read lots about it, on the internet, on forums, from books. Everyone said how good it was, about the magical, wonderful visions it gave, and so on.
Apparently the only issue with it was that it made you purge - lots of vomiting and diarrhea!
With the amount of internal cleansing and fasting that I've done, vomiting and diarrhea was not an issue at all for me.
I was interested in what insights the experience may provide me with and to see for myself what all the fuss was about.
More importantly, I wanted to see of there are such things. I had tried for years to do what is called Astral Projection, this is where you project your 'astral' (an energetic body) to far away worlds for example and see things happening there at this time. But I had no results from my efforts on this, so gave up!
I did have good experiences with Lucid Dreaming though - this is when you are dreaming, you "wake up" as it were to realize that you are dreaming, but continue to dream. You are then able to control the dream. I have been able to control dreams, even "wake up" from one dream into another dream, and keep a complete recollection of the experience.
Ayahuasca: Scientific Studies and Books
The active substance, DMT, was studied by Dr Strassman in the first funded research into psychedelic substances since the 1960's, and he wrote about it in his book DMT: The Spirit Molecule.
DMT effects the brain and and the hormone-producing endocrine glands.
Serotonin receptors are a key locus for DMT’s biological/pharmacological effects.
This is a review of the Dr Strassman's book: http://www.diagnosis2012.co.uk/dmt.htm
Graham Hancock author of Supernatural, Finger Prints of the Gods and other best selling books has conducted extensive research into Ayahuasca after he first reluctantly tried it in the Amazon in 2003.
This is a very interesting interview: Graham Hancock Interview, there is also a longer radio interview that you can search for in google.
Graham had made a 3 part documentary called: The Quest for Lost Civilizations, that I would very highly recommend.
Hancock reports that the Harvard Medical School conducted a 15 year study, and found no harm from the continuous use of Ayahuasca. Several other studies have been conducted, some are mentioned here: http://www.maps.org/research/index.html
I first heard about it on the internet several years ago. I had intended to go to South America to participate at the same time that David Icke did (in 2003), and wrote about in his book Tales from the Time Loop.
This is an excerpt from David Icke book: Tales from the Time Loop. Icke wrote a follow up book Infinite Love is the Only Truth, Everything Else is Illusion, which contains extensive images resulting from his Ayahuasca visions.
Breath a little deeper then and focus on your breath, exhale completely, let it all go, and let all illusions go as you read what follows.
I was working as an IT consultant in Spain, and the week had come to an end. I had been very busy and for some reason I had completely neglected to plan anything for the weekend.
Then, by chance I read an article in a Spanish magazine that I had picked up about Tantra and a Tantra weekend.
As I was free that weekend, this suited me fine. I called the number from work - it was late on friday late. I talked to someone who said in very limited english that they would do Tantra on Saturday only as they are having an Ayahuasca Ceremony on the Sunday.
He said that I was welcome to both.
The Ayahuasca Ceremony intrigued me a little, but I didn't expect anything as I had once made the ayahuasca brew myself many years earlier. Actually my mum brewed it for me, under my strict instructions as per the best instructions I could find on the internet on how to brew aya. After nine hours of brewing, I went into a dark room and took a glass, then waited. Nothing happened.
So I drank another glass, then another - I drank the whole liter bottle and nothing happened! It was a total waste of time.
Tantra is a method whereby the senses, the sensuality are used as a means to achieve union with the the divine and spiritual liberation. Normally one takes the view that you can have spirituality or sexuality, but not both. Tantra, and Tantric Buddhism is an ancient tradition, but it is considered a very dangerous path, for obvious reasons!
On the Saturday we did Tantra. I don't need to write any details about that here except mention that a number of people would come for both days, some just for the Tantra, others just for the Ayahuasca Ceremony.
On the Saturday, I made connections, heart felt friendships with some of the people that attended the Tantra.
Spanish people for me are somehow very special, they are possibly the most spiritual or connected people in Europe, along with the Irish, and I bond with them quickly. They seem like family, seem almost eastern to me, like high caste indian people, but without the mental repressions that seem to have taken control of indian people nowadays.
During lunch at a local restaurant I had the chance to talk to Don Luis about his experience with Tantra, Shamanism and Ayahuasca.
In the conversation, I mentioned that I had tried brewing Ayahuasca once before, but nothing happened.
I wonder if this made him give me a stronger dose because this time things happened!
I also asked him how he got into Tantra, he said from books and then by ball-breaking hard work!
Sonia asked me how I got into tantra, I told her that it was automatic, I unconsciously knew exactly what to do even at a young age, before I read any of the Yogic texts about it. Almost as if I was born with mastery over my sexual functions, and the associated mental and emotional processes.
On Sunday morning I went to a massive street market in the heart of the city. Spent much of the time there, bought a second-hand leather jacket and just enjoyed the atmosphere. Then at around 1PM I headed for the center - they had asked for people to come around 1- 2PM. I was tired from the walking and had intended to relax and sleep for this silly ceremony thing.
Most of got together around 2 PM; around 25-30 people, all Spanish speaking except me! Don Luis Jose, was well experienced as he had prepared and led such ceremonies for years. He had worked with people like Victor Sanchez, who's book I had read, as well as other Shamans that I did not know.
Sonia, one of the girls I knew from the Tantra had not arrived. Her friend said that she was probably not coming, and we wondered why not? A good while later she arrived. I was very happy to see her; hugged her and asked what happened.
She said that she almost didn't come as she was too scared.
Sacred? Scared of What?
I looked at her wondering what on earth there was to be scared about?
She said 'the mind' after seeing my bewildered expression.
We both laughed at the silliness of that thought!
What is there to fear from the mind?
I would soon find out.
The Introduction and Ceremony
Don Luis gave a short intro in Spanish (which I didn't understand!), then his helper (a lovely Spanish girl, who's name I forget!) gave everyone a plastic cup - and told them individually to hold it by the heart, ask for what you wanted from the experience. She said we'd all drink it together. She gave everyone a bag for vomiting in - I wasn't going to need it, but she gave it to me just in case!
She said that I should put my hand up if I needed any help. I had heard that it's effects start within an hour and last for around 4 hours. We would all talk about/share the experience as a group at the end.
We all drank it - I sipped it slowly, it was bitter, tasted just like the last time when I brewed it myself.
Louis then asked everyone to tell the group what they asked.
I didn't understand what the others asked for as they all talked in Spanish.
I had asked the plant to help me know myself, which is what I told the group.
When they all finished, Don Luis put on some music.
The Hallucinations Start
I noticed after a little while sitting on the mat that the music was very loud. I was about to put my hand up and ask to have it toned down as it was interfering with my silence and I wanted to sleep a little.
As I was about to raise my hand, I saw a girl opposite me put down her cup, I clearly heard the noise that the perspex cup made as it touched the floor.
Something was different.
I realized that it wasn't the cup but my hearing, my senses that were different, much more sensitive - something was going on.
I was relaxed, oblivious to any dangers, and decided to see where this goes.
I had heard and read that with Ayahuasca you see images when you close your eyes. I was tired from the walking in the market in the morning, and had intended to relax and maybe sleep a little on the mat, which I had made comfortable for that purpose, so I decided to still the mind, close my eyes, switch off and observe as I had been trained to do.
First Blow: The War Begins
Almost immediately something happened that is difficult to describe, but you would know it if you felt it. I received a blow to the head as it were. The nearest way to describe it is like the sensation you might have in a boxing fight when you receive a knock-out blow, seconds before you pass out.
I used to box as a young boy, and was the UK Feather Weight Boxing champion. When you receive an unexpected left hook say, you see stars. Then the awareness passes out and you are knocked out.
I have never passed out during boxing or in the many street fights I've been in, but I have been close - at that moment you are semi-conscious, or punch-drunk as they say in boxing, and need to react instinctively to remain conscious or be knocked out.
By a fighting instinct, I immediately stood up, jumped up in fact, snapped out of it so to speak and took the Warrior Chi Gung posture and breath.
I had been attacked, psychically - almost taken out, eliminated. From an inner knowing I quickly perceived that this was deadly serious, more then my life was at state.
I experienced this attack, this attempt to take my life from me - but exactly what I 'felt' or how I 'knew' this is difficult to rationally explain.
The section below called Real Dangers from the Subconscious is an attempt at an explanation. It is concerned with Possession; something had attempted to possess me and would have done it, were it not for my base fighting instincts.
Over the years, I have done some 'dangerous' activities - been in street fights, boxing bouts, rock climbing, and such. An appeal of such pursuits is that you need complete focus on the task at hand, a mind free of all thoughts. Generally the mind stops when you are in a life threatening situation and you put all your attention to the danger at hand, leaving no attention for the thinking mind.
I was not going to lose awareness at any cost. It felt as if that would be a fate worse then death. This was more dangerous then anything I had ever done. I sometimes do dangerous things with little care about my life, but here more then my life was at stake.
Standing in the warrior pose, I felt confident that I would defeat this thing. I have after all spent a life time in the practice and attainment of what I would call Self-Mastery.
I focused my attention on the breath as I performed the Chi Gung exercise. I had over many, many years of practice combined and developed what I considered the best from Chi Gung and Yogic Paranayama. It involved slow, focused body movements with the breath, with brief retention's after inhalation and exhalation.
Music, Sound and Fury
It seemed as if the whole of hell had broken lose. The sounds I heard were powerful, like some jungle rock music had been unleashed on my senses. Along with the music, I saw patterns, colours, shapes that seemed to move in step with wild music.
I ignored the images by not looking directly at them, by looking at the entire room instead, with eyes focused on nothing.
The loud music though was in my ears, I could not not listen to it.
Fortunately, I'm not musical, which in this situation was a saving grace! When I sing people soon tell me to shut up. You're tone deaf! my family tell me!
In any case, this music was not to my liking - I like classical music from people like Ravi Shankar, Ali Akbar Khan, Sufi Quwalis, Mozart, Beethoven and Bach. I don't know how to describe this music, whatever it was, it was disturbing.
As I stood in unfocussed attention, in my peripheral vision I noticed things in the room would rise and appear to take an image form, in tune with the music or encouraged by the music. Objects seemed to move in rhythm to the sound, I saw colours, patterns. I noticed everything in the room through a peripheral vision. I kept my eyes open, focused my vision on the entire room and not on any single item that was placed in my awareness.
Shapes, colourful images would form which were attempting to draw me into them - some alluring, some grotesque. I continued to breath/meditate focusing my attention within and continued to observe. The music and the images kept distracting - everything was trying to make me focus on external things.
Where is My Heartbeat?
While meditating in the active warrior position, I noted that I could hear sounds (external sounds) with so much acuity, but I could not hear my heartbeat as I normally can while breathing. I couldn't feel my energetic side either as normally one does when doing Chi Gung or Paranayama. I felt no tingling, no warmth, no sense of calm.
The external sounds I heard were selective, it was as if someone would place only certain images, certain sounds in front of my attention - it selected them according to what may appeal to me.
During gaps in my meditation, I wondered:
Who could do this?
How does it know what would interest me?
How does it know where my 'attention' was to put things there?
How comes I can't hear everything, if my senses of perception had improved?
Why can't I hear my heartbeat as I normally can when breathing?
I continued to observe in peripheral vision and breath.
During gaps in my meditation, I wondered if the sounds were "real"?
That is, were these sounds only in my mind or were they heard by everyone?
I suspected it was just me that heard these particular sounds so loudly and saw these particular images. Someone knew how to get my attention: jungle sounds and sexual imagery.
The sounds and images were very attention grabbing. The images would be larger then life, compelling if you focus on them. I continued to observe them, not directly but from a peripheral vision, from the corner of the eye.
After some time, possibly an hour of diligence, I managed to instill a calm, an inner peace that is difficult to describe - you need to feel it to know it.
This is the state that I am naturally in, and I had managed to lift at it were the energy of the room so that it was in this peaceful, tranquil state.
Meditation is presented as something mysterious that only a few can do, or something that the 'tree-huggers' are into, thinking that they are spiritual!
Actually though, it is very straight forward.
Try this now:
Close your eyes, relax and listen to your heart-beat. Keep Focusing and you'll hear it, or rather sense it.
As you do, breathe a little deeper. Continue to place your full attention on the heart and the breath. You are not focused on any thought or object that may hold your attention. You are focused inwards, on attention itself, the awareness that knows, the thing or rather the 'no thing' that perceives. In true meditation you are not focused on the mechanism of perception nor the mode of perception, neither are you focused on the objects of perception or on any internal thoughts.
You get out of the mind or become free of the mind by placing attention on the breath and the body. To give your mind something to do, make it count slowly in step with the heart beat. Breath in slowly so that it takes 8 beats for the in-breath. Hold it for a few seconds, then let it out for another 8 heart beats.
This is a regular practice, a discipline, a habit - do it every day morning and night. Try it for a month, and your life will be transformed.
In meditation you let thoughts be, just don't focus exclusively on any one thought. Focus your mind instead on your breath. Your mind can not refuse this command because breath is the subconscious minds most basic fundamental function. By placing attention upon it, you are exercising a degree of conscious control over an automatic process.
Let me make this clear - you can not control the mind, it does not have a button that you can press to switch of off or a dial to tone it down. You can, however, control your breath, and by this means observe and obtain a degree of control of the mind.
Meditation is not control of the mind directly - as I said, and would like to stress this point, you can not do that. If you could control your mind, you could stop the world because everything you see is projected by the mind.
The 'Struggle' or rather 'the Intent' is to be present, that is self-aware as the witness to the thoughts that come to ones attention.
The moment you completely get lost or possessed by a thought you lose that presence - in a sense you die and are reborn as that thought. Normally it does not mater as you would return to awareness when you realize that you are thinking.
Sometimes it's fun to take a ride on the thought waves, that is what life is all about - but on this occasion I was staying firmly put!
The Way of the Warrior
From the perspective of true martial arts, we are at war - a never ending war against a very dangerous enemy. The stakes are high and the dangers very real - we risk our lives and something far more then life, the Spirit.
The Taoists traditions and practices are primarily concerned with Guarding the Three Treasures: Essence, Energy and Spirit.
The Warriors task is to Guard the Three Treasures.
If he fails to Guard the Three Treasures, the Warrior loses his life.
Who is the Thief?
Question: Who would steal the Three Treasures?
Question: Who would steal your life force?
Answer: The mind would.
The mind steals the warriors treasures and converts them into mind stuff - all the world that we see.
It does this by the mechanism of Energy Follows Thought. Each thought that you have has an associated 'thought form', it is composed of the energy from the three treasures that has been stolen from you.
The mind, by this mechanism, manufactures Maya, the world that we live in and enjoy - it is not evil. The Taoists of old realized that the universe consists of energy - Evil is just mind manufactured concept that has no energetic basis.
As Hamlet said,
"there is nothing good or bad in the world, but thinking makes it so"
The Real Enemy Within
We fear many things - Viruses, Bacteria, Bugs, Terrorists, Arabs, Muslims, AIDS, SARS, mad cows, the Chinese, Sex, Sexual diseases, Snakes, Spiders, Satan, Big Brother Police State, Illuminate, Freemasons, Satanists, etc, etc.
The list of enemies - people or things to fear - just goes on and on and on.
However, if you critically examine each of these "enemies", you will note that they are NOT your enemies - just made to seem like your enemies.
You are being deceived.
The real enemy is elsewhere. The real enemy will destroy you and then stand stand grinning at your funeral if you let it.
It is essential to understand that the real enemy is not something external, but something inside us.
Your only real enemy is the Unobserved Mind
The enemy is the Monkey Mind, the ring leader of the Five Thief's (the five senses). The mind manufactures all sorts of enemies, but in truth it itself is our only true enemy.
Our true enemy is the UNOBSERVED mind.
When it is carefully observed, it is no longer the enemy.
Addiction and Social Conditioning
Society allows, even encourages, some drugs or mind effecting things like Alcohol, television, sugar, junk foods, pharmaceutical drugs, chemicals - but outlaws others like hemp, alkaloids, opium. Often the decision is political and economical rather then based on social needs or personal harm caused.
When you are experiencing an addictive or hallucinogenic substance, there is no way to know if a thought you have (i.e. observe) is induced by the substance or if it comes from where ever 'your' habitual thoughts normally come from, or from another external source accessible because of the drug/substance consumed.
The personality (made mostly from habitual thinking) of a person often alters after they take certain substances, usually addictive substances, or even from reading or watching certain things.
The addiction is always harmful to the person, and usually ends up killing the person.
I have been told by regular Ayahuasca users, and would like to mention here that Ayahuasca is not addictive and that the clinical studies and the thousands of reports that have been written say how it helps one see aspects of one's life. It has no reported medical side effects.
This does not mean that there are none because it depends on the mind of the individual - the mind can choose to be 'addicted' to anything, from compulsive thoughts to artificial or artificial reality creating substances.
Look at it this way - supposing I say to you that you need a hole in your head? You'll likely tell me to go to hell or something. Now suppose that thought came from you, from inside your own head - what would you do?
Believe it or not, thousands of people do follow such thoughts - they will go and put a hole in their own heads, but slowly!
Society has it's own addictions or habitual thoughts that lead it directly to it's death. Look at Religion, Politics and other beliefs that people cling to while knowing that they suffer as a direct result of having those beliefs or ways of thinking.
Look at the fights people have in relationships simple because they think something or believe something. I reckon that almost all relationship 'problems' would disappear if people would simply not think or believe things that are clearly harmful to them. If they just did this, which does not require much effort and costs nothing, they would be much happier, and live a more fulfilling, enjoyable life.
But people rarely do - because they unconsciously think that they need a hole in the head!
People like their dramas, the rows, the fights, they seem to enjoy the pain
You see this in all aspects of life, like eating and drinking. Look at the number of people that eat McDonalds, drink cola's, drink Alcohol, Coffee, Sugar; use Mobile phones, spend hours watching mind numbing TV, waste hours on pointless internet chartrooms, and countless other things that they need like they need a hole in the head.
Something inside, some thought or emotion or feeling tells them that they need this and they follow it - like robots!
This is how the mind works, its a psychotic, relentless killer. Remember, these things are killing us, yet we continue to do these things even when this is pointed out by a "non addict". That's because the mind, a thought inside or a habit acquired tells us to do it and we follow like robots or addicts.
This applies to all thoughts - whether you label them Good or Bad, Black or White, Right or Wrong. These labels are just to the two poles, the duality inside which the mind traps us.
At this moment you are likely occupied by some thought, and that thought is drawing energy from you by the simple mechanism that energy follows thought. It does not mater if the thought is 'good' or 'bad' - these are just interpretations, judgments that the mind makes based on duality- and we attach to them.
This happens in all walks of life - Work, Religion, Sports, Leisure, Family Life, Eating, Drinking, Sleeping. The mind actually sabotages any pleasure or joy one may have from living - mainly by making one focus on tomorrow or on yesterday.
To be free from this mental tyranny, try this now: Bring your attention inside your body, into your belly; symbolically get out of the mind and into your body. Remember, you are not the thought nor the thinker. You are the silent witness. Keep breathing and focusing only on the breath and see what happens.
This is what I was doing; easily at first but that was just the beginning.
Walking out of the Ceremony Room
After some time (I have no way of knowing how much time had passed, but probably around an hour) I felt the need for fresh air - it's as if the air in the room was not providing the right energy. I know what energy feels like and something was not right in my guts. I then slowly, in full awareness walked out of the room, through the long corridor to the slight shut glass door, which had a metal shutter outside it, 90% down to cut out the light. I opened the glass door slightly to let in some air, stood in front of it and continued to breath/meditate.
The Spanish assistant girl came and asked me if I was in the experience or out of it. As she touched me, I felt a sort of electric charge flow through my body. I smiled, thanked her and told her that I was in the experience. She smiled and left. Then she came back again, in a similar manner. She went away, then she came again.
I then realized that she didn't come back, I had manufactured her. I then realized that my mind was doing this, it had made her up as I thought about her after she left me. It was as if whatever thought I would focus would appear as a real flesh and blood person.
I continued to breathe, I noted that by briefly focusing on the thought of her I could suspend her in mid motion, almost as one can do with a video editing software like Adobe Premier!
Somehow, thoughts would get reflected in images that I would perceive along with normal consensus reality.
Later Luis came to me and asked if I was in the experience or out of it - I smiled and told him I was in the experience. He asked if I wanted more, I told him no - I had more then enough on my plate, more then I could handle! He smiled and left.
Again, as I thought of him (as one does after meeting/talking to someone), he came back again. Again, I didn't focus on him, observed from a peripheral vision, and was able to observe him as I focused on my breath and observed all things in my 180 degree field of vision.
I had drank the small bottle of water I had, and slowly made my way to the drinking water fountain to drink some water. I noted how difficult it was to drink water while breathing - I had never done this before.
At this point point, having established inner peace and composure, I was enjoying the experience.
Seeing: Consensus Reality and Mental Worlds
As I stood there in focused meditation I saw a few persons from the group go to the toilet, there were vomiting sounds. I noticed that my mind would replay anything that I'd focus on. A face, an expression, anything would be placed in front of me depending on my thought. I continued to slowly breathe, continued to focus on the breath every second. The slightest lack of attention, lack of presence and I'd see things, the mind would play tricks on me.
A women from the group came and sat on the floor - she needed a cigarette. She went back, from her face it seemed to me that she was occupied by some very worrying, very serious thoughts.
I smiled at her, but she took no notice. Later a man did the same, he also had a very worried expression. He smiled back at me as he went past me. As he sat I noticed that the hair on his arms were huge, like a wolf's!
I continued to focus. I noticed that my hearing was still acute, but only to certain things which 'something' (an aspect of my mind?) would place in front of me - I could still hear the music, could hear other sounds, some people vomiting, some other sounds from outside, people talking, cars passing.
I was aware of all things at the same time, and resisted focusing all attention on the one thing or the one image that this someone would place in front of me. I could for example see the man sitting, the door, the floor, bits of my body, the corridor, the desk (all real as perceived in normal reality), his wolf like hair on his arm (Ayahuasca induced hallucination/illusion), the sounds like vomiting, people walking on the street etc, which I didn't know if they were real (in consensus reality) or not as I had no point of reference from my perspective.
It seemed to me that when images, sounds were larger then life they were my mind induced, magnified by my mind.
I noted that this is what happens in normal life, but we don't notice it - we replay certain scenes, certain 'issues' or fights with someone and not others; put a lot of significance on some things and not on others.
An event may occur, but the mind puts more into it, replays it, alters it, focuses on a particular thing and ignores other things - to suit it's own perspective, it's own beliefs.
Our reality is not based on what we see, but what we make of what we see.
Our minds decode certain bits of the reality that is in front of us and make a drama out of it.
Society, news, TV, education, debate of any kind - in all walks of human life you see this: a small section of the underlying reality, lets call it 'factual' reality, is decoded and focused upon.
This very small bit then becomes THE reality for everyone!
What about the rest? It's like if you were in a fantastic palace with spectacular views, but the only thing you look at is a little bit of dust, that in most cases only you notice.
Again, in the gaps between my breaths I wondered how Ayahuasca did that? How did it get me to focus on one thing?
I wondered how in normal life this happened? Why is it that we become aware of some things and not others?
By what mechanism was Ayahuasca able to place things in front of my awareness?
How could it know what my awareness was or where my awareness was to put something in front of it?
How did it know what 'things' would be of interest to me?
It seemed to me that I was seeing my mind in action. I was enjoying this, so long as I didn't attach to anything as I knew how the mind works.
I had placed a mat that was outside by the door so that the door would not shut, then stood outside, but still inside the shutter. There I continued the chi gung, being aware every second.
The gentle movement would help me focus on the breath, a moments lapse and I would start attach to the things I was seeing, or think things or replay things.
I kept my eyes open and continued with the meditation. I continued to focus on the breath, the slightest lapse would have been very costly - I could easily get trapped in the so perfect visions, particularly as I seemed to be losing control of my mental faculties and not aware that I was losing them.
Entrapment: Using Every Trick in the Book
Earlier in the room, it had been also been showing me sexually alluring images of women (it knew me well!). It seemed that when that didn't work at occupying me, it'd use other images and associated thoughts. The same for sounds.
When one thing didn't work it would try another, somehow connected with my life. Along with the images would be thoughts. Thoughts, 'my thoughts' would come to me. If I used logic/reason to get past something, to drop it, it would use the same logic against me by presenting the opposite view to my attention. I continued to breathe and focus.
It seemed to me that this something was using every trick in the book to get me onboard, to get me trapped. It's like a child that jumps in front of you saying 'look at me, look at me' - I see you, I can't not see you!
Then it is like a Guru, a guide. When that doesn't work, it would shut up, then attack when you are least expecting it. It would use a thought and what was seen or heard together - so a reality was created such that my thoughts and what I saw, heard and felt were in perfect agreement.
For a yogi, or someone who is concerned with self-mastery, to be trapped in illusions, visions or possessed or occupied by something would be the worst thing that could happen.
I often get caught up in thoughts, get occupied by them, and wonder how I got there when I become aware that I'm thinking something.
But I was not going to do that here. The more it tried to distract me, make me think, the more effort I made to be alert and silent.
Out on the Street
I felt that I had got the better of it - piece of cake really.
Then I stepped outside the inner door to face the shutter. For a while I focused on the shutter - there is a Tibetan meditation exercise where you just look at either a complete black or complete white surface, while breathing and focusing your attention within. I did this for a while, and noted that images would form on the light blue shutter - sure sign that all was not well.
I snapped out of it as I didn't want to go to cloud cookoo land!
Then I became interested in the world outside the shutter. I thought of taking a look outside, but didn't want to lose my altered state, which I was now enjoying.
What harm could a little light do I wondered? So like a curious boy who's doing something he knows he shouldn't be, I bent down and put my head under the metal shutter.
The street looked the same. I came back, felt in the same state (that is,.still hallucinating, still having visions if I allowed it!).
So I decided to crawl under it and stand on the street and look at the world outside.
I had been in conscious dream states before, and I had read all the Carlos Castaneda books as a child, and always wondered what it was like to see other things, other realities.
Now, finally I was doing it!
But I had remain alert, pay full attention and observe.
I continued to breathe, continued to meditate.
I decided to go for a walk. I needed my shoes and jacket, so I walked back into the room (in full awareness, not focusing on any one thing apart from my breathing).
I picked up my jacket, then slipped on my sandals and slowly walked back out and crawled out under the shutter.
Ayahuasca's Hold Gets Stronger
Outside, my focus shifted from the breath to outer things as there was more to see. Thoughts started taking over. They seemed to get in between the gaps in my breathing, while I was distracted by the street.
Don Luis came and offered me help if I needed it. First I didn't answer and didn't look at him as I thought he was another illusion, or vision, pretending to be a guru! I had spoken several times to Don Luis - three times I believe with the actual Don Luis, once he introduced me to Suzanna, then later he asked if I was in the experience and whether I wanted more, and again when he wanted to ascertain that I was capable of leaving.
In addition he had introduced me to another woman as "a fine soul", another woman as his "wife", meaning lover, suggesting I could explore this from his tone and accent!
I had ignored these, though he was identical in every way each time - yet somehow I knew that the two of the times were Ayahuasca induced visions, my mind playing tricks.
Outside, he asked again but I didn't look straight at him - but noted him from my peripheral vision. He asked again. This time I realized he was real, I looked at him directly, smiled broadly and apologetically at my stupidity and said "no thanks I'm fine!"
This he acknowledged with a nod. I noted that he was an honorable person. I was asked if I was going - I can't remember if it was then or later. I said yes, but I may come back.
On the street I noticed people walking - but I could not distinguish between perceiving what was real and perceiving what my mind had created in the altered state. My mind would replay things - for example I watched a middle aged Spanish looking women walk past me, then come back and move closer, go away, then do the same thing!
It was as if a video camera would replay something, leave other things. I knew these were things that I perceived as images because of my altered state.
Now though, the two perceptions were becoming indistinguishable.
Like a Dream
It was like walking in a dream - in a dream, your mind makes up everything you see; sometimes dreams are very vivid, everything is in 3D and very real. Here, I was seeing, perceiving both things at the same time. Somehow, the mind would present both things (i.e. consensus reality, the reality that everyone would see, and my ayahuasca mind induced reality that only I would see), and they would somehow merge to form one reality.
If you've seen the film "A Beautiful Mind", you will know what I mean.
However, I knew there were two things - I carefully observed and tried to separate the two. I noted that when I determined something was out of place (from memory of seeing the street before or by deduction), that something would disappear when I next looked at it.
I kept breathing. I noted that the music was still playing, I could hear it but I was a long way from the music - must have been in my head I deduced.
I continued to breathe - and patted my self on the back for every victory as I brought awareness to every thought, every 'sight' and every sound I heard. But with each victory, the next second the mind would focus on the 'victorious' thought and try to trap me by pondering on it! It would present the alternate viewpoint, which I would pay attention to.
I noted that the persons, the street, the sounds seemed to change - something seemed to be able to place what it wanted in my awareness and dim my mental/reasoning faculties. I continued to observe everything, including my thoughts - I could trust nothing, but could still enjoy the experience!
It seemed that this 'someone' was using my own thoughts, my own words against me. It was able to stop other, rational thoughts from appearing!
I could not focus on those at all!
Enlightenment, Death and Delusions
As I stood breathing and meditating, a strange thing happened in my mind, in my perception.
I suddenly realized that I had permanently slipped out of my previous world, as if I had died from it. I felt as if had no connection to it, and never had. It was as if the veils that connect us to this life experience had been lifted.
It was as if I had died, never to return to the illusion, my old world.
For years I have been aware that this is a negative world, of pain and suffering, as if a sinister, sub-human force ruled it, controlled it. The suffering, the unhappiness, the sadness, the global police state, the surveillance society, the controls were symptoms of this.
But now, nothing concerned me - I was free, it was bright, there was light.
My past life to that point was only a dream, this is how things really are I felt. I felt that I was everywhere. Time seemed to have stopped.
In this state I had no feelings of warmth for anyone, no love for anyone, it was as if nothing or no one else existed, there were no loved ones except as dreams, unreal, and the memory was fading It was as if everything was impersonal.
In Castaneda's books, Don Juan talked about an experience that was totally impersonal. I didn't know what he meant, now I may have experienced it, lived it.
I continued to look with a peripheral vision, wondering what was happening to me. I noted the Spanish buildings in white opposite, as it was before, the sunlight making a shadow, but it was if in my mind I had slipped out or died from the previous reality.
I continued to breath and meditate. I had the impression that the entire cosmos was a projection of the mind, and I was the mind. I had the impression of being stuck in this place, time was crawling - I had no idea of the time or even what place I was in.
I had the feeling or sensation of being trapped for eons in this place or state.
I then felt a pain in the pointless experience of being stuck in that bright, empty place - but there was no way out, or any place outside of this place.
Looking back, what was significant was that in this 'Enlightened' or 'Delusional' state I perceived my self or had a mental image of myself that was exactly as before, but with one crucial difference: I was wearing my white top.
In normal reality that day I was wearing my black top. Also, everything was very bright, more so then normal.
At the time I didn't notice this distinction or was not aware of it.This is something I 'remembered' later as I did some detailed re-collection while breathing/meditating.
An Unknown Episode: Darkness and Peace
I don't know how, but somehow I got free of this all encompassing state of mind, somehow I returned to silence and the dark. I didn't know how this 'dark' state was different, but it was a state I had been in before. I have very little recollection of it - I had experienced it before. A few times in meditation, as a child, and once when I was operated on and had a general anesthetic.
I only recall emerging from it and re-establishing connection to body and visible sensations. Like when you wake up in the morning - with a semi recollection alone.
I don't recall anything of how it was, but somehow in that 'dark', empty state I was back from beyond the brink when in that bright state, and home. I left a sensation that I am familiar with but that is difficult to describe.
You will feel it if you practice the mediation I mentioned above - it as if you don't remember anything, but somehow in the silence, in the place with the absence of light you were at peace, connected to all and free.
At the point of returning to bodily awareness, I recall wondering how God/consciousness could place aspects of itself in such a powerful illusion, with no hope of ever getting out. If I with all my training, experience and genetics couldn't get out of Maya, no one could.
I then realized (as if I answered my own question) that everyone enters the world, Maya, with a heart, and as long as they breathe they would be fine. The breath would take them back to the realization of who they are.
When they stopped breathing, they would die and return to source.
I once had a dream as a child where I was in tears at seeing the plight of the world, trapped here with no hope of ever getting out. It was memorable because as far as I recall, I have never had tears as a child, and I remember those few times: in dreams and when my mother would read me biblical stories of Joseph and his brothers.
Seconds Out: Round Two
On returning to the 'presence' of my body and my breath I noted that I now had little energy - it seems that the ability or capacity to remain alert, to remain aware seems to depend on this.
The 'enlightened/delusion' episode had used up all my strength, all my energy, which presumably had been used up in manufacturing the bright world I perceived.
I had a premonition that now I was vulnerable, in real trouble. I would now fully come under the control of the drug and be possessed by the entity behind it. Though I had started well, in the end it had won round one, but somehow I got out unscathed.
Now though it was round two, and it was in full power, and I had become weakened.
As I re-established connection to mental faculties, Ayahuasca had the upper hand. Again and again it would take me to a thought, which I would dismiss - it would then present another aspect, and insist that I focus on it.
I dropped the thought, as I had been there, 'thought' that thought before. In one instance, it insisted that I had not focused on this thought before. Indeed I had not, so I did - as it was very persistent, and I'm a curious person! I noted how I was able to focus with great clarity on a view point that I was not accustomed to, which was the opposite of what I believed.
I dismissed it just the same, one thought, one piece of logic is as valid as another and had nothing to do with me. I patted myself for getting out of that one, and continued to breath and observe. But it then managed to get me occupied by another thought - I noted that I had lost the ability to stay alert. It now had the upper hand, and would lead me to cloud-cuckoo land slowly but surely, by hook or by crook.
How did that happen? I did some squats, some kung-fu kicks, some jumps - I had control of my body, my nerves, my muscles, my limbs. How comes I had started drifting?
I rubbed my bold head and realized that it was inside me, inside my mind, in the place where I am. By the holy tooth of Buddha what had I let in, what had I agreed to.
The enemy was inside me. Inside my body, inside my head, inside my mind.
Incidentally, DMT is able to get past the blood-brain barrier. But this is an explanation of something else that happens on the mental levels - the brain is just a piece of meat after all.
I feared for my friends, my family - who, on my return would see the same me, but mind controlled, possessed by something.
Ever since a child I have felt a connection, that is difficult to express, and I felt that I would lose it. I feared that I would become one with the things of this world and lose the connection with divinity with God.
This 'thing' could suck me in, and via me suck in my family, my friends and all those people that trusted me.
I needed help. This thing decided what images to place in my consciousness, what thoughts to think - I couldn't ignore them forever. It had been systematic and persistent. It could stop the flow of time that things seemed to last forever.
Seemed that it now had the upper hand, and I had no energy left and my defenses were crumbling.
Prayers, Verses and Pilgrimage to Mecca
I began to pray - I remembered the surat Al-Fatya, that I was taught as a child, where one asks the Almighty for guidance, and I repeated it several times. A year earlier strange events with death threats to another IT consultant based in Riyadh, Saudi meant that I was forced to go to Saudi Arabia against my wishes.
At Saudi Telecom, a colleague, a computer programmer from Karachi, Pakistan asked me in Hindi if I would go to Mecca. Why on earth would I do that, I wondered?
From what I knew, there was nothing truly spiritual there - it had long been replaced by fundamentalism. The British, unknown to even themselves, played a part when they installed Wahhabism in Saudi. This is a new belief that did away with Islamic tradition, the Prophets examples and the way of life that the Umat or the Prophets community lived and the Laws that they followed.
Wahhabism replaced all that with their own interpretations of the Koran. In a liberal society where men and women lived together freely, they installed strict new rules where women were segregated, wore dustbin bags, and enforced a very strict Sex Police whose job it is to patrol all public places and arrest any women speaking to a man - with dire consequences for both, including the death sentence.
This idiotic system was then sent all across the Islamic world with the help of the oil money that later flooded into the Kingdom, and the system of Haj or Pilgrimage, where countless millions from all over the world would come to the Kingdom, possibly have a Spiritual experience, but leave with an anti-women, anti-sex attitude that they would take back home. Virtually any so called 'Islamic' book published in the last 60 or so years is based on Wahhabism, as are the likes of Taliban or Students and the so called Al-Qaida.
For someone like me, who loves women, it was the last place on earth that I'd want to go to!
So I asked him, as a fun thing actually, why should I go to Mecca?
He put his hand on his heart and said 'Labeck'.
I didn't know what that word meant, had never heard it before, but somehow it was like a trigger that held my full attention.
"What does that mean?" I asked him.
He didn't know exactly, as he didn't speak Arabic. He said it's like a 'registry' ('Hazry' is the Hindi word he used). I knew exactly what he meant, he needed to say no more - it means that the Infinite, the Almighty makes a call, you hear it in your heart, and you respond: I'm Here Now, Oh Lord, I'm Here Now, as you would when a teacher calls your name at registry in school and say Yes, Sir.
I immediately made plans to go, to make my hazry. It was late, the planes were full, but a place was found for me by senior colleagues at Saudi Telecom.
I was a bit concerned that my Christian first name may prevent me from entry into Mecca, but no one questioned me. I knew nothing about what one does, so my friend took me to another man who was more senior in spiritual matters, who worked as the DBA.
The DBA and I got on like old friends, and he taught me what to do. He also arranged for me to have tuition from a genuine Arabic/Saudi scholar on the exact things to do and verses to recite, with the correct pronunciations. The only verse that the scholar had stressed was the Al-fatya, which I knew well from childhood, and he taught me several others - which I also knew, but had forgotten!
Then I had gone to Mecca on the pilgrimage as per the ancient tradition, naked accept a loin cloth, performed the rituals, and recited these verses continuously over the entire period in mental silence.
I spent virtually the entire time in the Kaaba, in silence, reciting the verses, drinking the zum-zum water and sleeping on the floor.
The Al-Fatya is a unique Surat (or verse) in that it is not a part of the Koran (considered to be the word of God), yet is the only Surat that is known and recited by billions, without knowing its meaning.
It can be thought of as the heart of Islam, just as the Lords Prayer is the heart of Christianity. It's meaning is often in direct contradiction to the Koran - does one ask the Almighty direct for guidance (as per the Surat) or does one look for guidance from the Holy book?
Reciting the Al-Fatya and Prayers
In my drugged state, I recited the verses, like a mantra. I repeated it again and again and I felt stronger. I continued to repeat the verses and felt stronger still, able to get out of Ayahuasca's powerful clutches.
I then had a premonition - it would not let me go that easily.
As I expected, in the silence I began to see arabic words, moving in rhythm to the music that I heard again - they were probably words of God and the Prophet, but I ignored the images and stopped the recitation.
Islam does not have any images, nothing for the mind to attach to, but the mind invents things to focus on - words, names.
I recited the Lords prayer, as we did in school - I couldn't remember the start of it (this thing prevented it), but I remembered and repeated the bits about forgiving and asking for forgiveness.
God knew that I had been trespassed against by a ruthless intelligence, far greater then I could grasp, but I held no grudges and felt better for the forgiveness. I forgave myself for harboring those feelings of disconnection from my fellow man.
I somehow "remembered" the words Tony Robbins mentioned:
I am one with God and God is everything
I repeated those words time and time again. This was the second time that these particular words came to my aid, the previous time was six years ago.
I felt stronger. I regained my inner composure, I knew I would win.
As Bob Marley would have put it, My hand was made strong by the hand of the Almighty.
My fear disappeared - what is the there to fear when you are one with the Almighty?
Or as the Old Bible Prophet Daniel said:
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Looking back, I suspect that my Over-self had taken charge, had answered my call for help on the first time of asking. I'm a proud man, from a proud family, completely self-reliant, and asking for anything from anyone is not in my nature - this was the first time and the response was swift.
Had I not gone to Mecca, I would not have asked for help - in which case I would not be here in the state that I am, and you would not be reading this.
I felt a deep urge in my heart, in the depths of my being to go back into the ceremony place to help my friends, as they would not have had the training to control or drop the mind. I again felt the connection, the love for the individuals I had met the day before.
But I resisted, there is little I could do as they would be having a personal experience and would be under the influence and would not hear me. Also I knew what had happened to Castaneda. He (the Author) ended up in a mental hospital. Castaneda described being tricked by an Inorganic Being by using his desire to help another.
I knew that from another perspective, there are no others, behind the apparent diversity we are all one. I could not help anyone until I had fully regained self-control, self-mastery. It seemed that I would help the best by completing my journey - and this is what I wanted to do.
I believe I decided to face this 'thing', take it head on. Now the fight had changed again, I again had the upper hand, I was now the one with the power, and I knew that I would find and defeat this thing.
I began to 'hear' the music again - but it was much better music, much more serene, peaceful.
Had "it" now become my friend?
I dismissed the music just the same - I've been tricked before.
At this point I noted that I had forgot my hat in the building. I wondered if I should leave it? My "thought" said best leave it. I mulled it over while breathing deeply - I feared that if I returned to the building, I may not be able to get out again as it may put some other silly thoughts, illusions in my head. But I also knew how the mind could place silly little things in my awareness to stop me from doing what it didn't want me to, and leaving my hat behind could make me return when I didn't want to.
I decided to face it - to go in again. Slowly, in full awareness I walked back in. Saw my hat by the mat, picked it up and walked out - all in full awareness. I think it was at this moment that I was asked if I was coming back by Don Luis - I said yes.
Seeing My Reflection
Walking on the streets outside, I noticed from the corner of my eye a reflection of my body on a window block. It was like a shadow you see from a tinted, transparent glass. I was wearing black clothes, and the image of me was as I remembered my body to be..
Though I have never directly seen my body (only as a reflection), somehow I knew that I was looking at myself - that this was not a reflection. I focused on this image fully - it was the only thing that had greatly intrigued me. I noted that I could 'zoom' in to my face - I have a characteristic scar on my left cheek. It was visible - on a reflection you can not see this. I marveled at how well this reflection was made, everything was just right. Then I had a worrying thought:"it" had made a mistake, that something was wrong - why is my hat not there?
I looked to see my brown leather hat on my physical body, it was hanging on my back. I turned myself sideways, and saw the hat in the reflection.
Now I was pleased, a fairly good reflection I thought - and the only thing so far that it had shown me of direct, non-mental interest.
Looking back, it is notable that though I knew it was not a reflection, it still played by the rules, the image behaved like a reflection, everything made perfect sense to the logical mind.
So, it had now become my friend it seemed.
Then I saw another reflection on a car window, then another in another building, then another. Everywhere I looked. I focused again on my breath, my mind was playing tricks again.
Like hell it would become my friend, I'd need to watch it like a hawk every second of the Way.
I marveled though at its ingenuity, how easily it manufactured cars, buildings with glass panes, everywhere I looked, all making perfect sense, nothing out of place. I took a deeper breath, ignored my reflections and all the other things I was seeing and decided to walk up the street.
Getting a Grip on Consensus Reality
I decided (or was guided to) to walk towards the Metro. Why I didn't know.
I had an urge of calling, talking to someone "real", outside my mind. I was in two worlds, my own mental world and the consensus reality world as seen by other people. Both seemed to merge completely. I knew that both (my hallucinations, and consensus reality, the normal things that everyone would see) and were unreal, but I needed to get a grip on consensus reality and fast.
There seemed to be an urgency to this now, my friends from the group would need my help, and they would need it soon. I had to snap out of it, fast.
I needed a calling card, which you get from an 'Alimentacion' as they call them in Spanish. But I couldn't find one - actually I walked into one, but on entry it seemed to change into something else - a building with lots busy people, lots of doors leading to God knows where.
I again smiled at it's ingenuity, how well it integrated my hallucinations into normal walking reality, then turned round and walked straight out.
I realized that this thing was not going to let me do this. I then somehow realized that I had a mobile phone - I looked for it in my pocket, but this was a very difficult task to carry out and I couldn't find it. I did though see a piece of paper which I had written the day before. I examined this with full attention while still breathing - I skimmed it and noted that everything was as I had written it the day before at the Tantra. It was an answer to a question Don Luis had asked everyone about 'how they though others saw me?'.
I had written that people see me as they are. I have friends from all walks of life - scholars, sufis, doctors, judges, directors, computing professionals, accountants, as well as heroin and crack drug addicts, drop outs, prostitutes, and they all see in me as they are - or rather as the best of who they are.
I knew what I had written so was not interested in that, I wanted to establish if the mind had manufactured it or if it was the actual paper that I had written. Somehow I reasoned that it was real, and I carefully put it back in my jacket pocket, for the future. Then I fumbled again, and found my phone - it had been a long time since my intention to talk to someone - it, or my thoughts kept distracting me. I looked to see if the phone was real or mind made - I could not trust anything, but I gathered from the immense difficulty I had focusing on the phone that it was real. I looked through my contacts, I saw Al, my boss and my friend. So I called him. It rang several times, then I got a message in Spanish that I didn't understand.
I spoke to Al the following day, he said that at 6-15 he received a call from a number he didn't recognize. This means that at this time I had been a little over 3 hours under the hallucinogen.
I decided to give up on talking to anyone and walked towards the Metro.
On the way to the metro I thought of how polluted this city was, and how dangerous, suicidal breathing in it could be. I then passed two large dust bins (real or imaginary I didn't know) and I could strongly smell the garbage.
I stayed well away from the bins, as the smell was too strong, but without crossing the road, though I continued to breathe and focus.
I noted that the metro was not as before - it had several connections displayed, but I knew that the actual station didn't have them. As I realized, the Metro seemed to change as I got closer to it.
On the stairs at the entrance I saw a police women coming up, I continued to breathe and not focus on any one thing, noted that she seemed to change to a security guard. She came and stood next to me, to the left, lit a cigarette and looked directly at me. She was blonde, had her top buttons unfastened. Yes I do have a soft spot for women, and knew why she was there, but I politely ignored her and she disappeared.
I noted then that there was a couple, a boy and girl, by the entrance on my right side, kind of hippies, drop outs - again something was not quite right. I didn't look at them either, but I didn't want to go into the metro until I had resolved why they were there. I noted that they moved beyond my range of peripheral vision - yet I knew they were still there. I waited and waited - they drifted back.
What the heck? Why were they there?
I had now learned that everything Ayahuasca showed me was for a reason, so why this boy and girl? Then it came to me - it was presenting the boy as something like me!
Idiot, I thought! I in no way identified the boy, the lifestyle or his girlfriend - it was true though that I had done such things, but that was pretence only.
As I realized this, the couple disappeared, and I slowly walked down the stairs into the metro.
I couldn't find my metro ticket - couldn't trust my hands or my pockets. Fortunately. I noted from my back trouser pocket that I had 10 Euros, so I took these to the kiosk and asked for 'Dis, por favor' - these 10 tickets cost 6-15. I carefully looked at what he gave me - the ticket and some Euros.
I thought that I should be somewhere else, I was wasting time here. I should be experiencing things, out of the world things, I should be flying, having the experience of my life. My mind wanted to wonder of somewhere else, so I brought to the present moment, it back to the body, back to the 'dull, boring' ordinary reality.
With great effort I focused on my hand as my mind point blank refused to do as I willed. With all the power at my command I focused and eventually saw my hand. Was it my physical hand or had it manufactured it?
I saw the coins in it - didn't know if they were real or not either.
I carefully checked the change. I focused and focused as I couldn't get my mind to do as I intended - check the change. I again thought that I should hurry up, not waste time standing here as I was in the way of other, busy people. I remained and focused on working out how much the change should have been, but couldn't do it, couldn't focus on it. I persevered - in frustration I thought that 'OK, 100 less 15 is 75'.
Then I slowly counted 8, 9, 10 - yes, I had 3 Euros change. I carefully counted the cents, and noted that he gave me 20 cents too much. So I gave him 20 cents back, he looked at me and said 'valle', meaning OK.
I noted that his assistant was giving him a shoulder message as I returned the 20 cents. This seemed perfectly normal, but I knew he wouldn't do that in consensus reality.
I placed even more resolve on focusing, breathing and not attaching to any thought or trusting anything that I saw.
Taking the Train - but dreaming or awake?
I have been in conscious dream states before, where I know that I'm dreaming and passing through a familiar location - often, on reflection, the details are never correct. This felt exactly like it, only different because I was not dreaming - actually I didn't know if I was awake or dreaming, there were elements of both.
I continued to focus in my breath and very slowly walked to the entrance, put my ticket in, carefully noted that it said 9 on the meter.
I had no fear, but I had to be very, very present as it was very difficult to distinguish what was real from what wasn't, and this thing that was inside me could kill me if I didn't distinguish between them.
I observed every little detail and compared it with what the real station was like from memory. At the platform I noted that the train didn't have a destination as they usually do - this was worrying, where was this train going to?
Was it a real train?
Was this station real?
I got on the train, as did other people.
My hearing was acute, I could hear loud conversations - as I had become used to know, what I heard was selected by 'someone', but I still couldn't hear my heart beat.
I then noted that I could now hear everyone in the compartment at the same time. I didn't know if the sounds were 'real' or made up by my mind. The train seemed to take a long time, and started to shake. I noted, but ignored all things - mind tricks. I noted that the next stop was as it should have been. Someone left a seat, so I sat on it. I continued to breath, focus.
I noted that a girl sat on the seat opposite me, and looked at me, she seemed nice and seemed to take an interest in me. I knew she was not a hallucination, but she was different then the others on the train in terms of awareness. She got up at the next stop, again turned and looked at me while standing at the door. I wanted to talk to her, but something made me continue with my mission - whatever that was.
Thinking back, it seemed to me that girl alone was awake, like a child is awake and curious. If you go to any public place you will note that everyone is rushing around, busy, occupied by thoughts, asleep to any reality that may exist beyond their no doubt very pressing thoughts. Occasionally you see people that are not so occupied, and who you can connect with.
Meeting Lady Aya
I got off at Gran Way, the main Metro station in the city. In full awareness and full mindfulness I walked out to the street. I was familiar with a number of things here, so I felt better able to distinguish between the underlying reality, and the reality it created for me. I walked down the main street, saw a number of people, some that I'd seen before.
I had remembered a girl I knew, and a little further there she was. Co-incidence? Not bloody likely! I would finally meet her face to face.
I approached her with 180 degree vision, in full awareness. She had her back turned to me, I knew that she was 'mind' manufactured, but unlike the other illusions that I had ignored, she was the ring master behind it all.
I'd say that she was Lady Aya herself. I had come to talk to her, to get an answer. She was expecting me. As soon as I got close, she turned round and immediately asked me something very personal that I won't repeat here.
I looked at her with full attention.
How old are you? I asked her.
22 she replied, quickly to confirm her credentials - the girl was indeed 22 as I had seen her passport on a previous occasion.
I nodded and smiled at her.Yes, just like your passport I responded, as if completely agreeing with her in words, and over agreeing in manner.
Yes, just like my passport....She responded quickly, then realizing that I knew that she was much older, as old as life itself. She stopped mid sentence, and decided to drop her act. I looked at her with great care and there was a period of silence between us. I looked at her face, lips, her hair - all done to perfection.
She seemed to be taken aback by my attention.
Why are you doing this? I then asked her
She hesitated, then replied: I don't know
Aya or the mind is using every trick in the book, and some not in the book to trap me, but it does not know why it is doing it! I had expected her to say something like 'to survive', 'to live', 'to exist', but appreciated her honesty.
The Water Fountain, the Sun and the Spikes
I asked no further questions, left her and walked towards the main square. It had a water fountain. I went close to it, then walked right into it to touch the water. The water didn't seem real, but I couldn't be sure as I couldn't properly feel my hands. I tasted the water, again not sure.
Ayahuasca is called the Vine of the Dead, and for good reason. I didn't know if I was dreaming or awake - it could have tricked me into another reality.
I looked at the sun. I did a short 'sun gazing' exercise, and this felt as if it was 'real', the same as at other times. However, the sun didn't feel warm and I didn't know if it was the real sun, an illusion/dream or my perception that was faulty. I tried pinching myself again to see if I could feel anything - couldn't be sure.
I sat on these metal spiky things that surrounded the water fountain to stop people getting to the water - ouch! That hurt!
So maybe it was real!
Very sharp pain is always real - I wonder if that is one of it's purposes, to awaken the consciousness?
Fresh Orange Juice and Making My Mark
I then walked up a walking street to a bar I knew that sold freshly squeezed orange juice. Again, I walked in full awareness, with 180 degree vision so that I don't focus on any one thing. I wasn't sure if this street was there in 'normal' real life - I kicked myself for not paying attention the last time I saw this place.
I got to the juice bar and asked for 'Un Zumo de Narranja por favor' - she went to make it, I continued to focus, a seconds lapse could prove dangerous. I noted that I had not observed her make the juice - I gave myself a jolt to observe everything.
I gave her 1.80, then carefully, slowly took the juice and sat at a table while breathing.
I slowly drank it, trying to keep attention on my breath at the same time. I knew that the moment I made even a small pause of attention on the breath, the mind would but in and drag me off somewhere. This was the first time that I had drank something while aware of my breathing, and it was difficult. It didn't taste quite right - I know what orange juice there tastes like, and this was almost, but not quite right. It could be the juice or my tongue/taste buds not operating properly. Slowly, in full awareness I sipped the entire cup, fully tasting every drop.
I suspected that it juice was real - I felt better for drinking it. I then wanted to make a mark somewhere in the bar to show when I return if this was a true place or not, this visit was actual or in an alternate reality.
I looked around, couldn't see anything that would be permanent. I then saw a mark on the table next to mine, an unusual pattern made by a crack and some liquid seeping to the side of the table top. I determined that I would remember this.
I have visited that bar again, and that pattern, that mark was there. Also, the road did have two walking streets.
Going to My Room
I then slowly stood up and walked out to the main road. I saw a beggar, a girl on the floor. I put some change in her box. She didn't react, I assumed she was real. I then made my slow walk to my hotel/apartment. It was behind the worst, most dangerous part of town. I walked past drug addicts, dealers, pimps, transvestites and prostitutes.
I walked as before with 180 degree vision, and eventually got to my place.
At the reception, I noted the receptionist I knew who spoke reasonable English. I walked to the elevator, and pressed the button. Elevators are dangerous things in dream states - you never know where you end up, and can forget everything prior to entering a new 'floor'. I lived on the 5th floor, so needed to take it rather then the stairs.
I decided to talk to the receptionist. I asked him a few questions - how long did he know me? how much did I pay? for how many days had I paid?. He answered, and I deduced that he was real - not from his answers, which my mind would know, but from the manner.
When you talk to someone, they are often mind controlled (occupied by some thoughts), but if you observe carefully, particularly in between thoughts, the divinity within shows. This is particularly the case if you ask them stupid questions, or questions that question their reality. Like are you standing there? Are you sure? How do you know that you're not dreaming?
I had to give him an explanation as to why I asked those questions. "I was just checking" I said, he looked bewildered.
In his language, I explained that "I took something, made me crazy".
He laughed. I asked him if he knew Ayahuasca. He didn't. I then confessed that I couldn't feel my hands, I didn't know if anything I was seeing was real or not. I didn't know if he was real.
"It's really bad then?" he said, looking concerned. "Why did you take it?"
Why indeed! Well, it seemed like a fun thing to do at the time!
Playing with Fire: Meditating in my Room
I had previously noted that I had the key in my pocket, so opened the door to my room with it. Everything looked the same. I continued with the breathing, it had now been around 4 hours and I had focused on the breath every waking second.
I put some ylang-ylang oil on my air ionizer - I'm a trained Aromatherapist and I noted that the oil smelt as it should, the only thing apart from those spikes that felt real!
I switched the ionizer on, and sat by it to meditate and breathe to the solar/lunar breath.
I was now playing with fire. All the troubles I had has so far had been because of the small pauses between the breaths, this is when the mind would become active and be occupied by thoughts. All the thoughts that it had managed to place in my consciousness it did in between the gaps in my breath, when the breath would be paused.
I would now deliberately suspend breathing, yet maintain full awareness.
Retention of the breath is dangerous at the best of times - the body builds up CO2, the blood acidifies, and you can pass out. Chi Gung masters masters never retain the breath more then a few seconds, though some do, as do Yogis and Tibetan Lamas, but with great care and only after years of practice.
I had no choice - either I am the master or it is, and I had to help my friends.
I did this to the counts of Ohm - as I still couldn't feel my heartbeat. I breathed in to a count of 8 slow Ohms, held it for four times 32 Ohms, then exhaled slowly to 16 Ohms. I found this difficult to do, though I've been doing it for years. But I continued - in through one nostril, out through the other - then in through the last out one and out through the other.
Re-gaining Total Self-Mastery
I persevered and continued, focusing on silence and the breath every moment, with eyes closed, in mental silence. After some time, possibly 25 - 30 min's, I began to gain more control, more poise, more focus. I felt that I had established a degree of self control over my thoughts, and decided to return to the ceremony place.
I noted that since I had spoken to Lady Aya, she had not intruded, and everything I had seen since seemed 'real' as it normally would. I was now reasonably certain that everything was real, and my hallucinations had ended - just that my perception was sluggish. However, I was not taking any chances so checked everything.
At the metro that I had entered, I noted that both the ticket guys were there, and they noticed me.
I remembered the earlier incident, and I also realized that 100 less 15 is 85 cents, not 75. So he had given me the correct change, Ayahuasca had tricked me.
This confirmed that my mental faculties were functioning and had returned to MY control. I felt a bit foolish, wanted to apologize to them, but I didn't know how to do that in Spanish.
Returning to the Ceremony Hall
On walking back I did a wrong turn, I felt as if I had walked on this street earlier. When I realized it was wrong I walked, then ran to some elderly people and asked them 'Donde ester calle san francisco', and they told me.
Thanking them, I made my hasty way back. At the entrance the metal shutter was down as I had left it, so I crawled under it, walked through the corridor to the ceremony hall.
They seemed to have recently finished, and had started to explain or talk about their experiences. They spoke in Spanish, so I couldn't understand a word. But I kept focus on my breath, because I knew that it was far from over. Though, for now all my mental faculties had returned to my full control.
Speaking about the Experience
When it was my turn to speak, one of the guys who spoke good English, sat next to me and said he would be my personal translator!
This was my opportunity to say something that would be helpful for the people in the group. I explained to them what happened, my effort to remain present, why I felt like going out, what happened. I said that there was a Hindu belief that the Spirit projected Maya, then came into the illusion for fun, got trapped in it and couldn't get out.
I tried to explain the fundamental difference between the seer, the seeing and objects he sees.
I had asked that plant to help me Know Myself. The plant had indirectly shown this to me in an accelerated way, in the only way possible. Everything it showed, in larger then life form, with sound and music, presented an illusory aspect of my mind - it could not 'show' anything real, as that is not possible.
After that, we gathered round to share food. A number of people came to talk to me. One girl said that she saw/perceived my exercises as transmuting the energy for everyone, she said that it took all of us 'up' to where we are; another said that as chance had it I was standing by the door (where I stood for some 2-3 hours), and it was like a guardian ensuring only beneficial energies entered.
A girl showed me some very beautiful pictures and asked me if I recognized anything - one was of the Spirit of Ayahuasca, others of other nature spirits, plants and other things.
There were no snakes in those pictures, Incidentally, neither did I see any, nor did any one mention seeing any! No one mentioned talking to any teachers either - though a few of the girls said that the spirit showed them things.
Another girl said that I was a gift to the group, and the group a gift to me. Another girl said that she felt lost when I left. Others said that I was very brave to go out.
A guy talked about the video 'What the Bleep Do We Know', and what I had said; another guy talked about the difficulty in distinguishing the seer from the seeing.
In the group almost everyone seemed well advanced spiritually, and all knew the score. When I finished explaining to the group my perspective and experience, the leader Don Jose Luis asked me to say more - you would have expected him to tell me to shut up!
I talked to almost everyone about what it was for them - each had a different experience, and felt better for it. Each seemed to have been shown aspects of their mind, aspects that they needed to address.
They all had many different experiences, some had wonderful images, others had memories. I listened to their stories in full awareness, without comment. With the best will in the world, no matter what words I used, I would not be able to convey the realization that the seer is the thing, and not the seeing.
If I was to make a comment, it would have been that everything you saw, experienced was caused by the drug which reflected the mind; breathe and to not attach to anything that you can see, feel or hear.
We talked until midnight, and I remained present the entire time - there was no way that I was going to be occupied by any thoughts. Everyone went their separate ways. Susanna, one of the participants asked me if I'd walk her to the car, which I did. We talked for some time, I told her that the effect had not ended, and tried to teach her to breath.
Susanna would breathe for a few breaths, then 'forget' as she occupied herself with various thoughts that she talked about.
She smoked and drank and had taken such things before (including marijuana and cocaine).
She said Ayahuasca was nothing for her!
To Sleep or Not to Sleep?
I told Susanna that I didn't feel like going to sleep that night. She assured me that it was over, the effect had worn off, and I must sleep.
But I gave her a number of examples of fuzzy logic, fuzzy perception that we were subject to. We went to an open bar, where we sat and chatted under the stars. Then drove to my hotel, where we chatted till 4am.
She went home, and I tried to meditate. The time seemed to crawl.
Real Dangers from the Subconscious
You may find it strange that someone like me who fears nothing would have qualms about going to sleep! This is because you don't know about such things, and it's not easy to explain. I have over the years come to appreciate that the body has an innate intelligence, knows better then I do, and to listen to it.
The mental, subconscious worlds do have some very real dangers. The mental worlds are like an energy feeding market place - all mental energy comes from awareness, or from 'occupying' an aware person and the beings that 'live' there know this, it is the only energy source that they have. The beings that live in these mental worlds are highly intelligent, much more so then we are.
Unlike us, they can not just breath and harness the energy of the cosmos - they must obtain energy from us. They only exist in mental worlds on emotional and mental energy that the mind generates. They obtain this energy by the mechanism of "Energy follows thought" - as I've explained, when you get occupied by a thought (whatever it is, good, bad or whatever) your energy goes to feeding beings that live on that type of though, that type of energy.
The priests of all religions are well aware of the countless cases of demonic possessions. There was a priest at the vatican who conducted over 10,000 exorcisms, and he maintained that Nazi's were possessed.
This by the way, is why in the movie the Matrix the machines or beings from the 'machine' world need to use humans as an energy source - they are creatures of the mind, and can only live on a particular type of energy. Mental energy. This is the energy that 'thought' takes from awareness, or rather from the the individuals essence, energy and spirit. The mind is very much like a machine or a computer, it follows rules or instructions.
If you read Carlos Castaneda, you'll note that all the countless 'Inorganic Beings' get their energy by feeding of humans or 'Organic Beings', that live and then die.
This I suspect is why you get all the engineered events in the world (911, countless wars, stress, control). They are designed to keep us occupied by certain thoughts, and by this means remain a food source for these beings. Castaneda makes this crystal clear, so does the movie 'The Matrix' - if you look.
In this world I consider myself sovereign, as I control my imagination and my thoughts, but in the sleep or dream world I would be in unfamiliar territory where the plant may have dulled certain communication channels to my Over self, which would give these 'creations of the mind' the upper hand.
We have many layers in our makeup, we exist in many levels of consciousness. These levels are normally hidden from us, they exist in the sub-conscious. Evidence of these levels is in the colours of ones aura and the memories you may have from dreams. In the dream world, these levels can be reached. As the plant had penetrated deeper levels of my psyche and energy levels, levels that I am not familiar with, I preferred not to tackle things at those levels at that time.
Only presence, awareness can bring light to an illusion, and I am not aware of being present at those dream world levels. So, I decided not to sleep until I had fully recovered.
Measuring my Heartbeat
At around 7 while doing some stretching on the balcony I felt the need to measure my heartbeat, as it seemed to be beating a little fast. I wondered why I hadn't done this before. As I don't have a watch, I switched on my laptop, and used the windows clock to measure it.
This seemed like a hard job for some reason, though I do it quite often. It was 70, which is average. But for me this was very fast as my resting heartbeat is around 45.
I wonder what effect Ayahuasca has on the heartbeat? I had a look at studies, but they didn't seem to measure this for some reason.
Back to Work
At 8am I went to work. On the way there is a park where I could walk bare foot on the grass while breathing/focusing I do this every day, but this time I did it much more diligently! I noted that the birds seemed to be screaming, I ignored them, but they would just scream louder. I continued to focus on my heart, on my breath - and for a short while it felt as if the bird sounds were inside me, in my sleep deprived state it felt as if the world was inside me, rather them me being inside the world.
On reaching the office, I talked to my boss Al, asked him if he got a call from me yesterday. He had, but he didn't know if it was me - I had recently obtained a local SIM card. I told him why I called him; told him about Ayahuasca, and asked him to look it up. Later, Al told me that he knows quite a lot about the work of Shaman, and in fact was told that he was a Shaman and this was his destiny which he was not following! He was told that he needed to face his death, but this scared him, so he kept well away!
He looked it up in some Spanish and other web pages, and told me that the effects of Ayahuasca are 40 times stronger then LSD. At lunch I talked about it with several colleagues, all IT Consultants and Accountants. I told then them it wasn't over yet!
Al said that if I had spoken to him, he would have advised me to go for it - fly! Just as well I didn't speak to him then, I thought!
Al said that the I could have just let the effects wear off, and the visions would have stopped. I told him that he didn't understand how the mind works, or what damage can be done on mental or sub-conscious levels of our being. I told him to read Castaneda and other Shamanic books, as well as the numerous cases of possession. In any case, the journey I made was more fun!
I know of a few people that have taken Ayahuasca and have apparently lost something as a result of it. This includes David Icke, who I at one time I felt was a Jesus like figure that was communicating a message that would change the world! He sent an email to all his registered web site users that reflected a delusional state of mind. Mind you, with the world and economic conditions as they are, this can happen to the best of us. However, I also heard that David had aged rapidly since after his Ayahuasca experience. This, if it is true, could have been caused by some mental creatures sucking away his life force.
Others like Stuart Wilde seem to be in the same boat - fighting mythical creatures. Graham Hancock seems fine, and I suspect that this is because he has very little Ego.
The Next Evening - day 2
In the evening I was in a restaurant, again in full awareness, when I noted that my hearing had again become acute. I could hear every conversation, but this time I could also hear my heartbeat. I was also able to focus on certain conversations, certain sounds as I chose. I wondered why hearing would be effected, I noted that my sense of smell was the same, sight also the same, the food tasted as before. I continued to eat, then had some tea, all in full awareness and not focusing on any one thing accept my breath.
Then I walked around the old streets, strolling no where in particular, just enjoying the experience. After an hour or so, I sat down by a quiet building in a side street and closed my eyes. I could hear acutely again, a girl talking to someone on her mobile across the road from me seemed to be shouting, footsteps seemed very loud. I continued with my breathing, focusing on the breath and silence while being aware of the very loud noises.
I felt unsafe here, closing my eyes, close to the drug capital of the country, so I decided to return to my room.
Sleeping in Meditation - day 2 evening
This may sound strange to the reader, but I still had no intentions of going to sleep, though I needed to sleep.
As I explained, on earth, or on this 3D level of reality (or illusion), I feel sovereign
I have total control over my thoughts, desires, emotions and imagination. This was my number one priority as a child. With this self-control I can face anything, do anything. Here, I consider myself to be the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul.
The dream world though, as I said, is a different thing. I don't know that much about it as I'm not conscious of it or rather conscious when in it. On the occasions when I am conscious and dreaming, I have control - but I'm not a expert 'dreamer' as Castaneda would have put it and not particularly interested in it. I have not mastered the tools, techniques or the training one needs to 'battle' on that plane as the Shaman do.
I don't know what levels the plant had penetrated, what 'demons' it had uncovered from my sub-conscious mind, but I can sense that all is not well at all energy levels of my mind body system.
If you talk to Alcoholics or drug addicts or even nicotine addicts - they will seem quite normal, yet there is something unconscious that is making them addicts. Consciously they may not be aware, but sub-consciously (which is where the dream states, as well as deeper layers of our personality operate from) they are trapped as if they were in the clutches of the substance that they are consuming - even at risk to their lives, their families or loved ones.
Ayahuasca and its cousin Ibogain are considered substances that are stronger then all others like Opium, Heroin, Cocaine or Crack Cocaine. Ibogain, for example, is possibly the only substance that can 'cure' crack cocaine addiction.
However, I suspected that the persons may then become dependant it, or rather to the insights that it would give them and hence want more. Shamans for example consume Ayahuasca every week, as well as countless other substances - they can not live without them. They often do this to heal others, but who knows if the Shaman are trapped or truly free. In Castaneda's books he tells of all sorts of things, all sorts of demands that are made on the Shamans in exchange for certain powers from demonic entities. Demands that bind the Shaman to the entity, and eventually kill the Shaman.
Still, I knew I had to do this; I had to regain sovereignty at all levels.
At around a little after midnight I put some more ylang ylang oil in my air ionizer, closed the balcony and lay on my bed with my hand on my heart. I then started to breath in a particular rhythm of inhalation, retention and exhalation - this I repeated till I became unconscious.
On regaining semi-consciousness, I perceived my self in some underground realm, breathing.
Rather then get up, I continued to breath in the same rhythm, in the same yogic posture. After about an hour I felt awake. I sat up and opened the curtain. The large big ben like clock said 4, so I must have 'slept' for 3 or 4 hours. I lay back on the bed and continued to breathe. After about half hour or so I'd sit up and look at the clock to see how much time had passed. It seemed to be flying, unlike before when it would be crawling, moving in extra slow motion.
Day 3 - Love and Gratitude to All
After another 3 hours of continuous energy breathing, it was morning and I felt as if the worst was over. I felt that I could now take some time to let my mind wonder, think, and contemplate what had happened to me over the last 3 days.
When I examined the events, it seemed as if a drama meant for my education had enfolded, come to life as planned. I'll explain the details of why below.
I went back over my life and I thanked all the persons that had contributed to my development. I thanked the Yogis, the Lama's and the Taoists without who's training I would have failed.
I felt gratitude towards my parents for bearing me and teaching me the Surat Al-Fatya, I thanked all the people in my life and thanked the workings of fate. In particular, my experience at Mecca, which came to my aid in my hour of need. Guidance direct from the Almighty or the Infinite One that lives in the heart is still the essence of Islam.
I felt gratitude to the words of the Christ - forgiveness, service, charity and humility are the essence of Christianity which are apparent through-out the Christian world in spite of the monumental efforts to replace it with dollars and Ego. Without true humility, heartfelt forgiveness towards all and service being one's sole motivation one simply can not return home. Incidentally, I've read a lot of research suggesting that Jesus and all the old testament prophets did not exist as stated in the bible. This is probably true or it may not be, but either way it does not alter this underlying reality, nor the therapeutic benefits from forgiveness, service and humility.
Most of all, I felt gratitude to Ayahuasca for providing the challenge, for being the mountain I had to climb. Without lady Aya, there could have been no drama. I feel that the Spirit of Ayahuasca is happy that I didn't fall off. I believe that the Spirit of Ayahuasca is pure and benign - though there are many pitfalls in the mental, sub-conscious levels.
I had asked Ayahuasca to help me 'know myself', and I believe that she did that in the only way possible.
After 'talking' to Lady Aya, I didn't see her again either directly or indirectly. At that time I didn't know what dangers lay ahead. If I knew then that it was the last time I would see her, I would have said farewell, thanked her and gave her my love - I believe though that she knows.
I was late for work, and on my way out I realized this. Tears of gratitude came to my eyes.
As the mad King Lear said on regaining sanity:
"NONE DOTH OFFEND, NONE I SAY!!!
Take this from me, I who have the Power to seal the accusers lips ".
Still Laughing after all these years!
On realizing this, tears came to my eyes, and I indulged in a sob - this was a first in my life.
I looked at my face on a mirror on my desk - what's happening to me? Was I indulging or breaking up? Was this more trickery? Give the mind an inch, and it takes a foot. I have never cried in my life, not even as a child, and I damn well was not going to start now.
I have an infectious laughter though. When I was a child I used to laugh and laugh and my family would laugh with me - they'd be in stitches, and tell me when they recovered not to laugh so much as I'd cry by the same amount.
Well, so far I've faced everything that life has thrown at me, and I'm still laughing!
And, by the grace of God I'll keep laughing and live life joyfully come what may.
That morning though, I left for work with tears in my eyes.
Wednesday - Day 4
Wednesday night at work we were invited out for a celebration dinner. The first Conference Room Pilot had gone well, a significant milestone on the project that I was working on. I had arranged to meet Susanna, so I asked her to come along to the dinner. We chatted till late, Al my friend and boss told us about his hilarious experiences with Indian IT Programmers when he was a project manager in Saudi - he was accurate to the dot, and it reminded me of similar experiences I had in Dubai. We talked a little about Ayahuasca too, and Al promised to mail Suzzane the address of a friend of his, who is a healer. Then Susanne and I went to another place, and I finally went to my room at 4AM.
This was the 4th nights since the ceremony, and I still had not slept. I lay in bed as before, and again started to breath. I lost consciousness, and as on previous nights on regaining semi-consciousness I was still breathing/meditating, and I as before I continued this for several hours after waking up.
Thursday - Day 5
On the Thursday night I felt quite tired - I worked till 8PM, then on the Metro back to my room I felt very tired and drowsy. I popped in to a supermarket where they squeeze fresh orange juice, and bought some and went to my room. I relaxed on my bed, and started to breath again.
I seemed to lose consciousness after some time, so I snapped out of it. I stood up, was feeling strange, ungrounded in my body. I drank some water, then started standing chi-gung exercises.
After an hour - it was now midnight I decided to get a bite to eat. I felt I needed something solid, some meat to ground me.
I went to a restaurant that was open, and while sitting there, as before I began a to hear acutely. Again I could hear every conversation, though not as loudly as on the previous night. After that I strolled a little then returned to my room.
I made myself some chinese green tea in a pint size glass mug. I added some celtic sea salt to it, along with honey and sat propped up my bed to drink it. It was hot, so I waited for it to cool. Next moment I had dosed off to somewhere, I tried to wake up but couldn't. I used every ounce of awareness and power at my possession to snap out of. I have a memory of sort of looking up, and jumped up from where ever I was.
On recovering consciousness, I noted that I was propped up, with the mug in my hand, tea still warm - that was close I thought!
I drank the tea, sipping it slowly. Felt better for that.
Then I repeated a long set of mantras and prayers again and again and again.
Once these were well established in my subconscious mind, I lay down in my bed, relaxed, started to breath again and drifted off. In the morning, I repeated the same conditioning process.
Friday the whole day I feel below par energetically, something is not right.
I will be extra vigilant. The fight goes on.
Friday Night - Day 6
I was flying to London. At the airport lounge, there was a delay, so I sat and relaxed on a chair, observing my breath. I again started hearing things very acutely. There was a child crying in the distance, his screams were as loud or louder then had he been next to me. I looked around for this child but couldn't see him - I continued breathing, I was in an odd state.
I got home friday night, drank lots of ionized water from my water ionizer and felt better for it. Good drinking water is something I have to do without while abroad, and I reckon my health suffers as a result.
Decided to write this page, while the memory was intact, also posted a link to it on a forum, and went to bed after more mantras around 2pm.
I had a strange dream - it involved my father, Sufi Ishaq Khan, who seemed to be 'fighting' his younger brother Aziz.
We were in a hall of some sort, with a gathering of many white bearded Sufi's in a circle.
Something had taken possession of my uncle and he was lashing out at my father, who seemed to know exactly what to do. My father is an old man, but he moved around very fast, like an agile animal I thought, ducking all punches. Once he was struck in the face, but he didn't retaliate when struck. All the other Sufi's just remained in the circle, but for some reason did not help.
Father eventually managed to subjugate my Uncle.
I then took my uncles arm, he wouldn't look at me for some reason. So I twisted his arm (he was on the floor and I on top of him), forcing him to look at me. Eventually he looked into my eyes, and seemed to regain his self.
I don't know why the old, bearded men, were there in a circle around us. I don't know who they were or why they did not physically assist us. It seemed normal that it was my fathers and my task alone to do that.
After Uncle was healed, I woke up with a sweat - I have no idea what this was about.
Our two siamese cats were laying on the bed on my legs. I again started to breath in the yogic pattern and a few hours later went back to sleep.
Saturday - Day 7
Drank a couple of pints of ionized water, a glass of wheat grass juice powder, and a glass of bee pollen mixed in warm water with honey for breakfast. Did a little chi gung in the garden.then went to a Contact Improvisation dance Class and Jam. Felt good, almost back to normal energetically.
Talked to some friends, I tell Samantha that for the first time since over a weak I feel inside my body. I tell her I took something called Ayahuasca. She looks at my suspiciously! We go to cafe/eating place nearby. One guy, Ben is into drugs, talks about ecstasy, and asks me about Ayahuasca and where he can get some!
I try to tell him that "it's not that kind of drug mate!"
Moss, a friend, says that she knows some people that have taken Ayahuasca.
Ben talks about the Illuminate, Evil, Lizards, Corporations and Devil Symbols on Corporate Logos. He tells me that it's people like me that are the problem as they refuse to acknowledge and fight evil!
Evil exists Ben says, and it's the job of the righteous people to fight evil.
Right! Well, you fight what you consider to be evil then, with my share of the pleasure, I told him.
He seemed to snap out of his self-righteous stance and laughed!
I tell Moss that I am going to start a web site called zen-dance.com (it's coming!), which will be about mindless dance - you just breath and dance as we did for a short while earlier. Out of the mind, and into the body. She looks at me suspiciously, says she doesn't like the idea of that. She's a sensible girl, well brought up with ballet and other classic dance background.
I tell them that the mind is the problem, that the mind is a trouble maker. They don't agree; she rubs my head and tells me that without 'this' (the head) there is nothing.
I ask them "OK, if the mind is so clever, then think and tell me one thing, one statement that is true"
They say a few things like this is a table, the sun rises, the earth is round and we are on it, etc.
I explain that all those statements are not correct by explaining the underlying reality - everything is energy. Energy is inherently a wave like invisible thing that can not be detected, held or measured.
The particle form of energy only appears because of an observer.
As the mind can not 'think' or conceive of even a single thing that is true, then what use is it?
Can't we drop it?
What would happen if you take away the mind?
I tap Moss's skin and suggest to her though it may not seem like it, she is not only inside this skin.
Ben understands, and says that 'there is no spoon'.
You and I are one and appear separated by empty space! What separates us is the mind.
The Only True Statement that the Mind can Make
I think about what Lady Aya on my journey had told me. I don't know she said.
I don't know is actually the only true statement that the mind can make.
Sunday - Day 8
Feels good to be back.
Monday and Tuesday - Day 9/10: My Apologies
I have a feeling of sadness, can't put my finger on it. Don't know why I feel this or where it comes from?
I feel as if I have unintentionally done something wrong to someone somewhere.
People have told me that Ayahuasca reveals to those that she likes, I believe that she liked me and felt sorry that I didn't respond in kind by ignoring her.
I suspect that in the countless thousands of years that she has been around, she has never been treated quite the same way before by anyone. In fairness, I never treated her other then with the utmost respect. But if I did something wrong, then I'm sorry.
I also want to apologize to David Icke for mentioning his email letter. Even though he is commonly perceived as a bit of a nutter, most of the people that think so have not read his work. He is probably a good man who is doing the best that he can and I wish him all the best.
My apologies are extended to everyone and anyone who merits an apology.
Wednesday - Thursday - Day 11 and 12
My heart beat is retuning to my normal, currently 54, so close to the 45. No more sadness.
Perhaps it's now finally over now I feel, though me energy levels are still below par.
Wednesday - Following week, Day 18-20
Realized over the weekend how low my energy levels were. Recovery following exercise or exertion seemed slow; aches and pains that would normally disappear remained for days. Libido is still low from my normal levels.
Went to a boxing club, and a little boxing I did made me very tired. I used to be a boxing champion, and could box for hours. But today my hands just could not punch, though I disguised this from the others.
I don't know if something is drawing my energy at some levels and by mechanisms that I'm not aware of.
I feel as if my hormonal system is out of balance, testosterone levels feel low. I suspect that Ayahuasca increases some hormones like those from the pineal glad, but reduces others like testosterone
My heartbeat has returned to 50 but it keep going back up again.
I'll pay more attention to diet, drink plenty of water, do more chi gung exercises and do another 7 Day fast as soon as possible.
Will I take Ayahuasca Again?
I don't know, as I myself never know what I will do next. I may take it once more to clarify some doubts I have.
I believe that the plant is benign, and that I have grown in awareness as an indirect result of it. That it gave the opportunity to do such a long meditation has been a huge boost on that day and the days following, though since then I've found it very difficult to find inner peace and silence.
Seems as if a demon is inside me that insists that I focus on external things, external sounds.
Did I chicken out?
Was there something about my mind that I was scared of facing?
Could I have learnt something more from the plant?
The fact that I navigated through the heart of a busy city while hallucinating would suggest that either I'm very stupid or brave or both - but was I scared of my own mind?
I feel that the fight is still on - actually, the struggle never ends. Maybe I have a death wish, but I feel that I will have to take the fight to my un-conscious levels and bring awareness there.
My advice to the reader is - breathe, bring your attention within.
Live as the Taoists of old lived. Listen to no one if that advice conflicts with the divinity in your heart - this includes me for I may fail in my next challenge.
What Was it All About? Any Clues?
Marks - The Scar on The Left Cheek
My Childhood and Family History
The Army and the First World War
World War II, the Marriage and the Painful Partition of India
The Girl, the Fire and the My Birthplace
Says Kabir, Listen Brother Sadhu
Adam, Eve and the Serpent
The Cave Paintings - Markers by Our Ancestors?
The Play is The Thing
What is the purpose of The Play?